i’m neither living in the present or the past, but rather looking towards the future. because of this, i am detached from the present, completely lost and out of touch with the moment. i wish i could fix it, but it’s not me. and i think that’s the way things will always be. i don’t know why i look to the future, maybe for hope or maybe for a change. although i know i have the power to make something of myself, change things, i don’t. i don’t for a multitude of reason, mostly because it’s hard to break the habit, and fear of rejection. i have the power to speak out, but fear and habit make it hard for me to let go. it seems as if i have a guard up around myself. whenever someone tries to talk to me, i immediately clam up. it’s a defense mechanism of mine, to lock up and guard myself. and so little by little, day by day, i’ll try to put those walls down.
